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It’s been over 7 to 8 months since I last had a break down. In all honesty, I thought I would never again have to feel the angst that runs through your mind when you have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I usually don’t let my anxiety get the best of me, but last night it did. Nothing in particular triggered it.
No, I’m not stressed and overworking myself. No, I’m not sick. No, I’m not sad; I’m actually very happy with where I am in life. I suspect that the higher levels of anxiety might be from my lack of sleep. For the record, insomnia (a symptom of GAD) is sooooo not my friend. As I type this, it’s getting later and later… and earlier and earlier in the morning. I can’t seem to sleep, so I’m writing out a post to remember what happened.
It started off when I was sewing away on the good ol’ Viking (LOVE their sewing machines). I was doing a very simple stitch on linen fabric. For some reason or another, I altered the tension, and my stitching was messed up! Basically, I screwed up. I got so frustrated that I just had to stop, and for some reason, I started to bawl.
Usually, when I “mess up” I just move right along and leave it as is, but for some reason, last night, I couldn’t let it go. I was so upset that it wasn’t perfect, and I couldn’t accept that. Yup, that’s me — a control freak to the gazillionth power! Am I proud of that?! Eh, sometimes. Other times, I hate that I want to be in control of situations that are beyond me.
Anyway, I took that even further and generalized it to me not being good enough. “Good enough for what?” you ask. Well, that’s a good question because I don’t even know myself what I was thinking.
Now, after settling down from this escalation, I’m writing a post to my future self.
Dearest future self,
Although you had a breakdown today, it isn’t the end of the world. I promise. It’s been much worse. So who cares if the tension on the stupid sewing machine was wrong?! Most people I know wouldn’t know how to use a sewing machine even if it saved their life! Besides, you should be so proud of yourself. Look at all the accomplishments you’ve made since you were diagnosed with GAD. You made goals for yourself last year, and you’ve accomplished almost all of them. The fact that you even made goals for yourself should say enough.
You’re amazing at what you do because you do it for yourself. Don’t believe me?! Ask the people around you!
You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve gone through so much in life, and you’re still standing on two feet. You were abused, mistreated, and robbed of your innocence as a teenager, but you still have a gentle and caring heart. I don’t know anyone who has been through your situation and still have the capacity to carry that smile the way you do. There are people that love you for who you are. …and know, that there will always be people who will hate you in life, but who cares what they think. It’s called jealousy. Seriously, look around you?! You’ve got everything you have ever wished and hoped for – a home, a family, and the rest of your future ahead of you.
Anyway, I’m blathering again. My point is nobody is perfect – not even you. It’s cliche, but it’s true.
God loves you, and that’s really all that should matter.
Take care of yourself (and remember to create with no regrets)!
Hugs,
sarah.
