solely words, no pictures.

It’s been over 7 to 8 months since I last had a break down. In all honesty, I thought I would never again have to feel the angst that runs through your mind when you have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I usually don’t let my anxiety get the best of me, but last night it did. Nothing in particular triggered it.

No, I’m not stressed and overworking myself. No, I’m not sick. No, I’m not sad; I’m actually very happy with where I am in life. I suspect that the higher levels of anxiety might be from my lack of sleep. For the record, insomnia (a symptom of GAD) is sooooo not my friend. As I type this, it’s getting later and later… and earlier and earlier in the morning. I can’t seem to sleep, so I’m writing out a post to remember what happened.

It started off when I was sewing away on the good ol’ Viking (LOVE their sewing machines). I was doing a very simple stitch on linen fabric. For some reason or another, I altered the tension, and my stitching was messed up! Basically, I screwed up. I got so frustrated that I just had to stop, and for some reason, I started to bawl.

Usually, when I “mess up” I just move right along and leave it as is, but for some reason, last night, I couldn’t let it go. I was so upset that it wasn’t perfect, and I couldn’t accept that. Yup, that’s me — a control freak to the gazillionth power! Am I proud of that?! Eh, sometimes. Other times, I hate that I want to be in control of situations that are beyond me.

Anyway, I took that even further and generalized it to me not being good enough. “Good enough for what?” you ask. Well, that’s a good question because I don’t even know myself what I was thinking.

Now, after settling down from this escalation, I’m writing a post to my future self.

Dearest future self,

Although you had a breakdown today, it isn’t the end of the world. I promise. It’s been much worse. So who cares if the tension on the stupid sewing machine was wrong?! Most people I know wouldn’t know how to use a sewing machine even if it saved their life! Besides, you should be so proud of yourself. Look at all the accomplishments you’ve made since you were diagnosed with GAD. You made goals for yourself last year, and you’ve accomplished almost all of them. The fact that you even made goals for yourself should say enough.

You’re amazing at what you do because you do it for yourself. Don’t believe me?! Ask the people around you!

You’re one of the strongest people I know. You’ve gone through so much in life, and you’re still standing on two feet. You were abused, mistreated, and robbed of your innocence as a teenager, but you still have a gentle and caring heart. I don’t know anyone who has been through your situation and still have the capacity to carry that smile the way you do. There are people that love you for who you are. …and know, that there will always be people who will hate you in life, but who cares what they think. It’s called jealousy. Seriously, look around you?! You’ve got everything you have ever wished and hoped for – a home, a family, and the rest of your future ahead of you.

Anyway, I’m blathering again. My point is nobody is perfect – not even you. It’s cliche, but it’s true.

God loves you, and that’s really all that should matter.

Take care of yourself (and remember to create with no regrets)!

Hugs,

sarah.

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “solely words, no pictures.

  1. Im sending you a HUGE HUG from the east coast! πŸ™‚ Also remember to just take a deep breath. I find it to help me when I break down too.

    Hugs my dear,
    Lydia πŸ™‚

  2. julie

    i love u….and i hope that today is a better day…. {{{hugs}}} :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

  3. I completely sympathize, more than you’ll ever know! PM me if you ever want to chat… I’ve been there! So glad you found such a fun way to reach out to yourself.

  4. Chris

    You have a host of fans and friends out here that are wishing you well and love you for who you are, not what you do (but we love your creations also). I so hope today brings you some calm (and yes, I have had some very frustrating days with my sewing machine too).
    Always,
    Chris

  5. gloria

    hi. greetings from what the airline attendant called ‘the frozen tundra of america.’ i am about to catch a cab, but i wanted to let you know how proud of you I am. so what if you had an anxiety attack last night. what’s important is that you pulled through it. you are talented and strong, don’t let that get you down. i’ll call you on my lunchbreak. i hope you slept better than the night before.

  6. That is a GREAT post to yourself. Hugs coming your way. πŸ™‚
    – April

  7. jackie

    It seems like it was a tough night for you but just know we are all here for you. Like your letter to your future self reads… No one is perfect. I get breakdowns like that too. Except I start hyperventilating. So I just hope it all clears up today. Remember today is a new day and you’re perfect the way you are.

    btw I wouldn’t be able to use a sewing machine to save my life πŸ˜€

  8. Vel

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

    Oh, isn’t it amazing how we will beat ourselves up over something that others might find so trivial. Know you’re not alone, my friend. And know you are well-liked, respected and a genuinely GOOD person.

    ps. There’s something about a sloppy kiss from a doggy (or two) that makes me feel better…maybe you can give it a shot? πŸ™‚

  9. Sending BIG HUGS your way. Wish I lived closer… 😦

  10. thanks everyone for the kind and supportive words. πŸ™‚ i’m doing TONS better today. and damn that sewing machine. jk!

  11. YAYA! You know what I do when I can’t sleep? I read statistics books from grad school! Or I play a text heavy video games. Give me a call later, and also give mom or dad a call today. Dad was being a little baby last night. πŸ˜€

  12. uh oh… i can’t wait to find out what happened. lol. πŸ™‚

  13. Hanneke

    I am sending you lots of hugs!!! I hope today is a better day, and like you said yourself, be proud of yourself cause you are something special!!!!
    xxx

  14. Sending big (((HUGS))) your way Sarah!

  15. Yeah! I love the letter to your future self!

  16. jessica*bree

    Huge HUG and great job recording this so you can try to learn from it! I suffer from GAD too and its such a weird thing to have. For me it just builds up and is never one thing. But there are those one things that can push you over the edge once you are right there. Hope today is better πŸ™‚

  17. *hugs* i hope i didnt stress you out.. =[

    Im glad your feeling better!

  18. Hi, Sarah! Sending you lots of love and hugs…believe that better days are up ahead! Take care…

    Cheers,
    Ate Lil

  19. beth — nothing to do with you. in all honesty, it was that damn sewing machine! HAHA. i’m doing much better today… πŸ™‚ just extra sleepy. πŸ™‚

  20. Hugs! I hope you’re feeling much better today! I enjoyed your letter…remember that you also have friends that think the world of you! πŸ™‚ Love ya!

    Bekka

  21. Oh Sarah. Bless your heart. It’s fantastic that you wrote to yourself and I like what you wrote. It’s all correct!! YOU are one amazing girl !!

    hugs,
    mica :):)

  22. krismakes

    Sarah I think I need to email you. Last night something weird happened to me and your post has got me thinking.
    Hugs to you

  23. Kat

    awww, girl. i hope you’re feeling better today. while i don’t have an anxiety problem, i do get incredibly frustrated and anxious from time to time…and it totally sucks…and i’m sure it sucks even worse in your situation. and you’re right about the sewing machine thing – i have NO clue how to use one. πŸ™‚ while i have never met you, i still find you inspirational and fabulous πŸ™‚

  24. awww babe! I am sorry and did not know that about you. However, that was very well written. You are good to remind yourself of everything you are and everything you have accomplished and overcame.
    I did not know about GAD. So you have somewhat educated me today.
    I hope that you are feeling better and are on the upside of the breakdown.
    You’re in my thoughts and you inspire me daily. Talk to you soon, my sweets!
    B

  25. First and foremost…
    I apologize for being gone for so long, I have missed your blog and hope you had a wonderful holiday
    Second, I love the new look of your blog! So fresh!
    Third, I too suffer from anxiety and can totally relate to the way you are feeling.
    I will keep you in my prayers, if you ever need to talk just email me!
    Love,
    Tara

  26. hi Sarah! Warm hugs to you dearie. Yep God loves you more than you can imagine, smile πŸ™‚
    It has been a while since I last dropped by at your blog, i’ve been missing blogging/bloghopping for so long, blame it on FB! LOL
    Thanks for dropping by and you take care OK!

  27. I love how you “keep it real” and share the high points and the low points. I’m more of a “throw your emotion in a box” sort of person and wish I could be more honest and open.

    So sorry you had a bad night 😦 I hope it’s all uphill and happy times from now on!

    Lots of Hugs, A

  28. Jing-Jing

    Hey, please take care of yourself!!! Hugs to you! XXOO

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